I am the queen of ambition. I am that girl who always wants more. I want to be the best at everything I do, the first to experience something, the most of any adjective. My dreams are not and never have been small. Every week I get together with my mum, and every week I have some new idea to propose to her.
“I’m moving to Jordan to study Arabic!”.
This was the last one. Just the week before I had been gushing about some other plan of equal caliber. I want EVERYTHING out of life. I cant help but constantly feel like I’m missing out and wasting time every second that I spend sitting at home and doing my mundane work. I want to live in every country, speak every language, do every job, experience every kind of love. Many would consider this a good thing. I know for a fact my life will never be boring, and that no matter where I end up it will be something ridiculous and beautiful in all of its own oddity. On the flip-side, I worry that I will never be content. So many people in my life are simply happy where they’re at. They work their 9-5, go home to their 900sq/ft apartment, zone out in front of the television, and go to sleep with a smile on their face. They go to family events and take turns around the table sharing the newest development in their office job as if the obtaining of a promotion is all they need to define their own success. And while in some ways I am grateful for my own incongruity to this lifestyle, I cant help but feel a twinge of jealousy at their contentment and worry that even the best will just never be good enough for my fickle mind. That I will always look for the next success, the next skill accomplished, the next language learned or company built.
So now I must try to learn the skill of INTERNAL gratitude. While I consider myself to be a grateful person, this love only extends to my surroundings. I am grateful for my amazing family, my friends, my home…But I skip over my personal accomplishments and skills. The second i complete a task, I roll my eyes and remind myself that any average human could have done it, that if I would have worked an extra 4 or 5 hours a day I could have completed the task in 30% less time, or that if anyone helped me to complete the task in any form that it doesn’t even count at all. I downplay what I’ve done, reminding myself that there are people of my age in the world who have gotten further, and this is something I desperately need to stop.
The question of all ages, is how? How can I do this without losing the drive that has gotten me the success that I have achieved thus far? How can I do this while still remaining motivated and not losing my lust for everything that i dream of and accepting average as good enough?